Her.

It was a winter’s night. Ice cold.

I had alot going on in my head so I decided to take a stroll on the isolated street covered in  snow that glowed with the lamps that were lit in the dark.

It was comforting yet so scary because of the loneliness consuming me.

I felt like I had no one to even turn to.

I walked down the street on to the next which eventually lead me back into the bright, noisy city. I hated the city.

I liked the busy streets and pretty lights but I hated it because of how crowded it was. How they didn’t care about stopping for a second and admiring everything. All they cared about was getting to places they didn’t even like.

I finally decided to go sit down at the park. It was the same park that I came to everytime I felt sad and it just brought his scary comforting feeling to it. It was overwhelming.

The park was covered in snow too but I could still see the mesmerising beauty it held within it.

I went to my usual place and sat down, arms around my knees and my head buried deep into them, my thoughts consuming me, bit by bit.

A few moments later, I heard​ footsteps in the snow. They were  small and light but loud enough to freak someone out that’s all alone in the park on a late winter’s evening.

I look up to see a girl who was a little taller than I was, covered in a warm jacket and shawl with a book in her hand. She walked up to me and sat down near me and smiled at me with the warmest smile I’ve ever seen.

I look at her with my face soaked in tears and tried to put on a half broken smile.

” You look so cold”, she says and takes her shawl off and wraps it around me and then looks at me and smiles again.

” You didn’t have.. to d..do that..”, I say and I push my hair away from my face and stare at her, still holding on to her warm shawl. It smelled like the perfume I used to use back in school.

” Well, I did. You’re cold and in tears. What kind of a monster would walk past you?”, She says.

” Well, most normal human beings do. Why are you so nice to me?”

She looks at me with the warm smile again, her eyes gleaming with the lamp that was lit near us and said , ” you’ll see “.

Escape.

Everyone has their own way on how to deal with things, everyone has their own escape. Their own small ways to secretly deal with the pain.
For some people, its drugs or alcohol. Others smoke or hurt themselves.
Some blast music so loud like getting deaf doesn’t even matter and all that matters is, that moment. That moment where they can’t even hear themselves think or even feel.
But sometimes it doesn’t just stop there.
Sometimes, there is no escape.
Sometimes it’s just sleeping all day and crying all night.
It’s forgetting to eat or drink or even get out of bed.
It’s pretending to binge watch shows because that’s the only valid excuse to not getting out of bed.
It’s not having the energy to even try to do the smallest of things.
Like nothing even matters.
Like there’s nothing to even look forward to.

There are people who find their escape in other people. Like their entire life just depends on that one specific person to keep them sane, keep them from being empty.

Emptiness.
Yeah.
One of the main reasons why you’d want an escape.
There’s anger and sadness too. Maybe anxiety or depression. So many things, I won’t judge.
But wanting to escape is like this huge mix of emotions and feelings that cloud your mind and make you feel like you’re losing it, like you’ll explode.
And that’s why you’d want an escape. Something louder than your own mind. Something to take you away. Even if it’s for a little while.
It’s wanting to go away and not look back but you don’t even know where you’re going and you don’t even care because well, it’s an escape. And you’d take anything you get.

And, no. You can’t deny the fact that everyone wants to escape at times because the worst prison to escape from is your own mind. Everyone wants their own wonderland to run away to. Something that doesn’t remind them of reality.

But the worst thing about this is wanting to escape but not knowing how to do exactly that.
It’s suffocating.

Realizations.

Sometimes realizations hit you hard on the face nearly knocking off that stupid brain of yours.
Most of the time, it’s too late to even try and that’s when the regrets start.
Then, you start to panic which just leads you into being a walking, talking mess.
Familiar much?
Don’t worry. There’s more.

You’re going to over think and doubt everything and be lazy but you will never stop procrastinating about the stuff you just realized that you should do.
Ooooooh, here’s the best part.
You can NOT calm down no matter what.
Nor can you slow down.
Or even stop procrastinating.
All you can do is sit there like a zombie that just got electrified and not stop over thinking about each and every little thing.

It’s like you want to calm down but your brain decides to be a chaotic messed up trash can.
You feel like you’re going insane but at the same time, you’re numb.
It sucks, it really does.
It’s like your entire world is a mess and you can’t even breathe because your thoughts are suffocating you and all you want is to put an end to this mess inside you but, you don’t even know the problem to even think about finding a solution.
You’re clueless.
You get sick and frustrated because you know that it’s physically impossible to calm down even though you’re in bed, in a dark room all alone but still feel like your own mind is watching you freak out.

So, then you decide that you need someone to vent to but then REALIZE that you have no one that could actually understand the way you feel because they are totally different human beings and then, the entire thing repeats itself over and over again.

All you’re left with is yourself and that mind of yours that doesn’t seem to want to slow down.

Figuring It Out.

You don’t need to wake up one day expecting to know it all and have it all sorted out.

Life never works like that.

It’s okay to feel like a complete mess who has no idea about how the world works because you’re growing and evolving day by day, minute by minute.
You don’t have to believe in something you don’t want to just because it’s forced upon you; you need to believe in yourself first.
It’s okay to feel weak and worthless once in a while because you’ll eventually learn how special you are.
It’s okay to do something that you wish you hadn’t done because if we don’t do those things, we never grow.
Nothing will ever go your way when you expect it to but that’s okay too because you’re learning some major lessons on the way.
It’s okay to take breaks when you’re tired, to trip and fall down over things, make mistakes and not feel embarrassed about them for once.
It’s okay to stand in the rain for a few more minutes just to feel it falling on your skin instead of running for shelter. It’s just nature.
It’s okay to stay in bed all Sunday and sleep or read books because you won’t have time to be lazy in the future.
It’s okay to stop and admire the stars in the night sky once in a while without any reason because the universe is beautiful in its own way and there’s nothing wrong with living in each and every little moment because life isn’t always about the big things.
It’s also okay to have a ton of imperfections and be afraid of stuff as long as you don’t let your fears stop you from being you because nobody is perfect and you don’t have to be perfect to be real. You just have to be you and you won’t be loved any less; and that, I guarantee you.
Take risks, give people chances, love the world as it is and at the same time, keep your happiness in your own hands.

If you don’t believe me then you can put your hand on your chest. Do you feel that thing inside you that’s beating?

Yeah. That’s called purpose.

You’re here on this planet, existing in this universe for a reason and you aren’t going to figure that out in a blink of an eye if you keep living in the matrix of things.
It will hit you one day when you’re least expecting it to ;and when that happens, you’ll realize that at the end of the day, nothing really matters that much as long as you have yourself to believe in.

You don’t always need to have everything figured out.
That’s the best part of life’s journey; You’ll learn on your way at your own pace.
It’s like having a road with no destination but, it’s okay because you’re still moving forward and that’s a million times better than stopping and turning back around.

You’ll eventually figure it all out.

Exquisite People.

Some people are the best kind of people.

They don’t judge you for who you’re not but, love you for who you are.

These are the kind of people that feel like home. They make you see the sun and help you feel the rain. They believe in you more than you believe in your own self and when you’re with them, you feel more at home than when you’re with your own family.
They’re the listeners, the believers and the supporters. They love every little part of you and respect you for who you are. They’ll be there at 9pm on a Friday night and at 3am when you’re at your worst. They see you for who you are and vibe with whatever mood you’re in. The best part is that they aren’t even your best friends but they’re closer than family.

They’re proof that you don’t need a lover or a S.O by your side because they’re too busy inspiring you to be the beautiful, independent individual that you are. They’re the once in a lifetime kind of people who have the universe in their eyes and the stars in their dreams.

They’re the ones that you should never let go of because they’re the reason you aren’t depressed or sad or suicidal. They won’t even let you think of it. They’re the reason you’re holding on and they are the kind of people that make you feel good about yourself, no matter how bad you are.
They’re the ones that are worth it.
They’re the keepers.
Don’t ever let them go.

Raining Glass.

There she was, again. Sitting on the ice cold floor, demented, confused and curious. Her mind racing with terrifying thoughts, heart thumping and body covered in sweat, struggling to free her mind from restlessness. She was anxious and alone. All alone in that dark cold place, unaware of her surroundings.

She was shaking. Shaking with fear and anger. All she could see was glass. She was surrounded by ice cold glass that seemed to be ceaseless and binding all around her.

She could barely open her bloodshot eyes when she heard the sounds again. They were loud, screeching noises that made her fret. The sounds kept changing their frequencies from high to low and at times made teeth clenching noises of chains dragging on hard metal. There were deafening screeches and loud footsteps racing but there was no one and nothing in sight. All she could see was glass. Foggy, ice cold glass.

She still couldn’t control her mind. The sounds got louder. Footsteps, harder.
She looked down at her pale shaking hands only to notice her veins turning black. The voices started again. She couldn’t take it any longer, she needed to escape and hit her head on the glass, banged it hard with rage and anxiousness.
Out of nowhere, the voices stopped and water started dripping from the ceiling glass. She focused her mind on the water looking at each drop only to notice that it wasn’t water, it was glass.
Glass that looked like rain drops, falling on the ground and shattering into tiny shards. Bewildered and confused, she got up. Head covered in blood, she walked under the falling glass and closed her eyes.

The tiny shards of glass felt like drops of rain splashing on her face. It calmed her. She cherished the feeling of those glass shards splashing on her face gently yet, piercing through her skin and letting the blood flow out, just like it was raining.

With the urge to escape, she tried breaking the glass walls around her with her bare hands, letting the pieces seep into her skin as all the walls started to break and fall, one by one. She fell in love with the feeling of glass breaking against her skin and proceeded to walk further until she got the smell of fresh air. She anxiously ran further, cutting every bit of skin through the thin glass walls until she ended up in a forest with pouring rain to which she turned back to see a palace made of fine glass, collapsing right in front of those bloodshot eyes of hers. A palace made of glass.

She thought she’d escaped. But, it wasn’t rain in the forest, it was the falling glass. It was the raining glass that seeped into her skin, piercing it and letting that dark blood of hers flow out. She had no escape now.

Until, she opened her eyes only to find herself back in the hospital bed, again.

It wasn’t a dream because, she was covered in cuts, again.

Thoughts on thoughts.

Thoughts are like waves. They keep on flowing and moving, dragging all the bits of sand away into the ocean. Sometimes, they’re calm and still and other times they go all Tsunami-like deep into our mind, crashing down and making it all messed up. But, when the ocean is still, we can see the real beauty and calmness in it. Thoughts come and go like the waves washing up to the shore. Some huge, some small, some strong, some weak. They can’t be stopped because, well… you can’t control nature. Likewise, you can’t control the nature of your thoughts but you can learn to choose which ones to surf.

Thoughts are prodigious powers that have the ability to work wonders on the mind and soul.

A reading from my horoscope today said that “You have to live like what you want has already happened. You have to see it as real.”
And, to the topic about my post today… Coincidence much?
I think not xD

Anyways, Back to the topic-
This whole material word around us is nothing but the aftermath of those tiny thought waves that live in our mind. When you come to think of it, it’s all really in our mind. The mind decides the person you are and then you think about it and you become it, not realizing that your very own thoughts are in control of what’s happening around you .And thus the saying, ” what you think, you become.” These thought waves create our very own reality but we just don’t realize it because we’re too caught up with the matrix of life around us.

Kinda too long for my first post, sorry about that. Lol.

Welcome to my blog.